I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
