dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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