we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
