you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
