We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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