mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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