Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
