How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
