well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
