I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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