Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He passed out mid-signature
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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