Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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