he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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