I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
