Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
