I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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