The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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