Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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