If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize