I skipped work to stalk him.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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