Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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