We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
