Just cropdusted the office
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
