did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i think my mom watched the whole time
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
