Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
