mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
