When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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