I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize