shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
