I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
