Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
