She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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