I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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