How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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