People in love make me want to vomit
everyone is single if you try hard enough
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
