wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
