I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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