My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
ttyl tear gas
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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