thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
