When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
