2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
