I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
