he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize