Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You can't motorboat a personality
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
