ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
