Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
