you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
