I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Boobs are out for the taking
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
