whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
