apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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