Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
