Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
