it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
