That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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