i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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