if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
