i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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