My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
