fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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