Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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