He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I want to make a zoo with you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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